you both kinda suck.

February 4, 2011

I originally posted this back in 2008, but it still seems relevant as a general metaphor.

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Here’s the current rundown of each of the major front runners:

John McCain

“Hi, I’m 80. Nevermind that I think Chekoslovakia still exists, I’m going to fix everything. Low taxes, drilling for oil….low taxes…. SIMPLE!
And as a BONUS, we’re going to continue to be the only wealthy, industrialized nation without Universal Health care. Together, we can do it. And by
together, I mean Me and Low Taxes. Not you. You stay out of this. Go buy stuff. Like Health Care. You’re gonna need it.

Yes, yes, I know our country is in debt. A shit load of debt, yes, I understand. OK. I GET IT. You can stop fucking shouting. You think I don’t
know that? I’ve got a solution: Low Taxes. That’s right. Keep more of YOUR hard-earned money in YOUR pocket where it belongs. The free market will
fix all the world’s problems. What’s that you wonder? An impossibly complex and unpredictable autonomous quasi-entity will solve the most complex
problems humans have ever collectively faced? You darn right! It worked in the 50′s, which I’ve PERSONALLY experienced! I’m 80!

War in Iraq? Pssh. We’re almost done there anyway. We just gotta wait for them to take the training wheels off, that’s all. As soon as they find a
wrench. I’m sure they have wrenches over there somewhere. Afghanistan? Ummm…. well, here’s the tricky thing about terrorists……

What? Energy Crisis? Holy HELL do I got something for ya! LOW TAXES!! And DRILLING FOR OIL! After that, we just sit back and watch the free market
do it’s thing. SIMPLE! Just like the 30′s. Which I’ve PERSONALLY experienced! I’m 80!

Listen, listen. Ok, so maybe I’m wrong about a couple things. But think of it this way: Even if, and I stress ‘if’, we realize 30 years from now that
we can only solve these immense problems using international cooperation, performing drastic economic and lifestyle changes, and spending a lot of money,
no sweat. WE’LL all be DEAD by then! Peak Oil and Environmental Catastrophes are NOT something I have to worry about. I’m 80.

I’m John McCain and I approved this message.”

Barack Obama

“Hope. Yes, Hope. And Yes We Can! And… Yes YOU Can! Change, Race, Changing Race, Environment, Hope! The future is in your OWN hands!
You’ve seen the failed policies of the past, but here are mine: Hope! Change! Rhetoric. The current Administration, failure, failed war,
failed policies, why are we in this mess anyway? It’s not your fault. Hope. Future! Big Business and Windfall profits tax!

Ok, let’s cut to the chase. I want One Trillion Dollars from the Economy to train-wreck into a new frontier of American Government. Just put it in a truck, and I’ll drive that shit into Fort Knox. Now, I’m going to try to pull off a LOT of shit, so if some of it doesn’t work, have Hope for the Future That is in Your Hands. Nobody has EVER tried to pull off the shit I’m going to, not even me! I’ve been in the Senate for like a couple years or something, so this is all going to kick ass. Oh, and Change. Wait… Ok, so maybe a couple people have tried to do some of the stuff I want to do.
But it’s sure to work THIS time! Hope!

I’m going to make Government work for YOU. So many fucking new agencies and sub-agencies and a Department of Agency Sub-Agent Accountability that’ll knock your socks off! It’ll be like Starbucks! You won’t be able to walk one block without swan diving face-first into some sort of government building.
Plus, the better part is everybody knows that Government is soooo great at doing stuff. Like managing disasters and conducting wars.
SPEAKING of wars….
We need to get out of Iraq. Now. I mean, I guess not NOW, but soon. I know about this shit too. I’ve been there like twice. You’re unhappy with the war? Me too. Great! Hope and Withdrawl! 16 months! Have you ever seen an entire country IMPLODE? Neither have I. Might be fun, the media already likes me well enough, I’m sure I’ll be ok. But I’m TOUGH on National Security. I’ll punch fuggin’ Iran right in the face. That’s what you do at a UN Meeting right? I hope they have donuts. This is going to be so awesome.

Change You Can Believe In! And believe in me. And Change. I’mgoingtospendsomuchofyourfuckingmoneywhat?? Nevemind, this is no time to think about the past; we must look forward to a New Era.

Wanna see pictures of me on my Hawaii vacation? Of course you do. I’m the shit, and I’ve got Big Plans for this place. Transportation sector? Gut that shit. Foreign Policy? I don’t know the first thing about that shit, but fuck it, this is going to be the shizznazz. I’ve been in the Senate for a bit now.